


Bigger Than Us

by neoqueentitania



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 08:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26969320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neoqueentitania/pseuds/neoqueentitania
Summary: Kazuto's still haunted by his demons from Aincrad, and maybe those demons are bigger than he could explain. He just wants to let go and move on. So why are his thoughts betraying him?
Relationships: Kirigaya Kazuto | Kirito/Yuuki Asuna | Asuna
Comments: 6
Kudos: 65





	Bigger Than Us

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR WARNING FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND A SUICIDE ATTEMPT.
> 
> I'm not doing well therefore Kirito isn't doing well either. If you're having these types of thoughts, please know you can contact helplines and services and that things do honestly get better, I have to remind myself of that a lot. Please stay safe everyone.
> 
> Also, can someone tell me if depictions of violence is the archive warning for this? It's not really "violence" (I suppose?) it's self-harm, but it's kind of self-inflicted violence and I didn't think anything else really fit?
> 
> Also also, this is the longest one-shot I've ever written and the longest single chapter of anything I've ever written. Yay I guess? I'm sorry it's so depressing.

_ Asuna was dead. _ Kazuto was riding his bike and the love of his life was lifeless on her bedroom floor. She was dead and there was nothing he could do to protect her. Her hero had been too late. He couldn’t save her this time. There was finally something bigger than him, something he couldn’t defend her from or whisk her away on his white horse to safety. 

He swallowed hard, turning his bike sharply. His shopping could wait, Asuna was more important than any album he could think of. The images of her kept flashing through his head in a violent, tormenting stream of delusion. The road and surroundings melded together and Kazuto kept driving. He had to keep going. He had to save her.

Her house felt like it was years away and getting off his bike had never taken him less time. The boy threw himself off the thing, hearing its metal body clatter against the drive while he focused on the front door he was sprinting to. He was inside within seconds, then tearing across the floor, not bothering to take off his shoes or coat. He didn’t have the time. He had to reach her. He had to save her.

Kazuto ran up the steps to Asuna’s room, two at a time until he reached her bedroom door, practically throwing it open while he called her name. He didn’t know what he expected, whether it was to see her dead on her floor or to see her parents mournfully clearing away her things.

What he didn’t expect - but probably should have - was Asuna sitting on her bed painting her nails, looking up at him with her eyes wide and confused, her hands frozen delicately in front of her in shock.

“Kir-”

“You’re safe.” 

He fell to his knees in her doorway, sobbing. Asuna ran from her bed to his side, kneeling down next to him and running her fingers gently through his hair while he cried. He rested his head on her shoulder, mumbling “You’re alive” and “I’m sorry” so many times his voice gave out.

“What’s wrong?” Asuna’s voice was soft, soothing as she watched him fall apart in front of her.

Kazuto wiped away his tears with his sleeve, “You were dead. I was on my bike on my way to the mall and then you were dead and I had to see you one last time. You’re alive. You’re safe, you’re alive. I’m sorry. You’re alive, right?”

Asuna’s face fell, her eyes tearing up nearly as much as the boy in front of her. His heart sank in his chest. He was worrying her, he was burdening her. All he wanted to do was protect her and now he was making her concerned about him of all people.

“I’m alive,” She assured him, reaching out to gently touch his hand, “I’m alive, I promise. I’m perfectly safe. You’re okay, I’m okay, we’re both okay. Do you need to talk about it?”

Kazuto looked up at her, blinking back tears and swallowing the lump in his throat, then looked back down to where their fingers were intertwined as she gently circled her thumb over the back of his hand. She was alive, they were both alive.

So why could he not shake the dead, numb feeling inside of him?

He couldn’t quite place when it had begun - maybe it had been there his entire life without him ever noticing - but he knew when it became unbearable. It had been gradual, a slow increase in his night terrors and being sent into a panic more easily, a few more panic attacks than he considered his “normal” amount -  _ would he ever really be normal? _ \- and his thoughts slowly spiralling to darker things than he normally would have considered.

Now he wasn’t even sure what he felt anymore. He didn’t even know if he felt  _ anything _ anymore. The usual warmth he could always guarantee when he saw Asuna wasn’t there anymore, and as he searched her face for any kind of familiarity, he grew more numb. The sound of her voice didn’t remind him of honey and sweet birds now, it was just white noise.

“I- I don’t think I can,” He stammered, pulling his hand free from hers.

She kept looking at him, concern evident across her face as she looked into his eyes. He turned his head away, using her door frame to help himself up. She didn’t need to worry herself over him. He was fine. He had to be fine.

“It’s fine, I’m fine,” He nodded half-heartedly, still not looking at her.

_ He was always fine. _

Asuna seemed unconvinced but stepped away so he could walk into her room. He walked cautiously over to her bed and sat down, looking up at her hopefully. She sat down next to him and the pair spoke casually about their days, Kazuto keeping the topic on everything but himself. The weather, video games, concerts, Yui… Every topic that came to his head that didn’t involve him or his ever-spiralling mental health.

He didn’t want to talk about himself, he wanted to spend the afternoon and hours well into the evening with his girlfriend, where the two of them could live in their blissful state of ignorance, the state they’d made for themselves back in Aincrad when the world became too much for either of them to handle.

Maybe he should have told her how he felt if he could manage to find the words. Maybe she should have pressed the matter more, assured him that there was nothing he couldn’t get through. But maybe their demons were bigger than the both of them, and maybe that was their problem.

“Asuna,”

Asuna looked at him. Kazuto looked at her. He wanted to scream out every single incoherent thought that raced through his head, to try and articulate just how not okay he was, to figure out some sort of solution to every problem that stared him in the face while the rest of his world slept soundly at night.

His world was right in front of him, silent and unaware of just how scattered his thoughts were, completely unknowing to his intentions as soon as he was left alone. He’d be alone soon. But for that moment he was there, with his world so perfectly real and alive in front of him, and if it was the last time he had her, he intended to let her cherish it.

To some extent, she reacted like she knew how he was feeling, like she knew she was the one constant in his life that he depended on. She moved towards him slowly, then crashed her lips against his before either of them could get a word out. Their lips knew each other well, falling into the rhythm they’d made together over the years, the rhythm they’d found back in Aincrad and had carried to the real world, though it had been hard to get used to it again.

“Asuna,”

They pulled away, both trying to find questions they didn’t truly want answers to. Asuna dropped her head onto Kazuto’s shoulder while he put a hand on her back, slipping it under her blouse to trace shapes across her skin. Asuna’s lips delicately claimed the skin of his neck, memorising his pulse, the little reminder that he was alive in front of her.

“You know that I love you, right?”

Kazuto nodded, his other hand trailing along her leg. He ached to feel every inch of her skin, to memorise exactly how she felt while he still could. Then he cursed himself, his inner voices scolding him for having such thoughts while he held the love of his life in his arms. He had time, he had all the time in the world to be with her.

_ Why did he feel like he didn’t? _

“I love you,” Asuna mumbled into his shirt, adjusting herself to sit more comfortably.

“Mm,” Kazuto kissed the top of her head, “You too.”

The rest of the afternoon went by uneventfully. The pair spent their time memorising each other, Kazuto particularly entranced by Asuna’s heartbeat until she unbuttoned her blouse so he could press his ear to her chest and hear it more clearly. Asuna excused herself to find something for the both of them to eat once dinnertime rolled around, and they ate silently on her bed, except for Asuna apologising for her lacklustre cooking abilities in the real world.

“Everything you make tastes good, don’t be so hard on yourself,”

Kazuto stood up to take their empty plates to the kitchen so he could wash them, spending the trip downstairs wondering if she would be convinced he had slipped and fallen if he threw himself down. She wouldn’t know, there was no way she could. He pushed the thought out of his mind and took each step slowly. One… Two… Three… He could fight the thoughts, he’d done it all before. He could beat them. He could get past it. He had to.

In her kitchen he ran the water too hot, holding his hands under it for a moment too long until they turned red and stung painfully. He washed their plates, the whole time wondering if he could accidentally break one and somehow cut himself on the sharp edge of the shattered porcelain. Then he scolded himself once more, drying the plates and setting them back in their cabinet before he got any ideas, then making his way back up to Asuna’s room as if her knife drawer wasn’t dangerously calling to him.

He knew something was wrong. He knew that most people didn’t have those thoughts, he knew that. He knew he needed help, but he didn’t know where to begin. “Hi, I’m Kirito from that death game and I killed people and now I act like I’m the one who deserves to be hurt.” He bit his bottom lip until it bled. He would have done  _ anything _ to shut his mind off.

He got back to Asuna’s room and she immediately started fretting about his lip, telling him to be more careful. She gently touched it, trailing her fingers over it softly and pulling her fingers back when he winced. She frowned.

“How did that happen?”

“I guess I chewed it while I was eating and didn’t notice,”

“Kazuto-”

“I’m  _ fine _ , leave it.”

He didn’t mean to snap at her, he hadn’t intended his words to be so harsh. But they’d come from his tongue before he’d had the chance to stop them. He bit his lip again in frustration. Why couldn’t he control himself anymore? What was wrong with him?

Asuna sighed, telling him it was getting late and she didn’t want him driving when it was dark out. Before he had the opportunity to protest, she was already in the hallway calling his aunt to tell him he’d be spending the night.

“I’m sorry for the short notice, but it’s late and I don’t feel good about him driving home alone.”

‘ _ I drive home alone every other time _ .’

“Oh, that’s fine, I’m happy to have him here! My parents are away for the week and my brother’s been in his room all day, he really won’t be a bother.”

‘ _ I’m bothering you right now. _ ’

“I just don’t want him out this late, there’s no visibility once it gets dark and I’d really hate for another driver to not see him, and…”

‘ _ That’s not the real reason you don’t want me to drive, is it? _ ’

He sat on her bed, his head in his hands while he pulled at his hair. Asuna didn’t even trust him to not purposely wreck his bike. He wasn’t so obvious about it, right? Surely she couldn’t see how much he was struggling, he didn’t want to stress her out. She was starting a new round of therapy that week for her own trauma, she didn’t need to be dealing with him as well. By the same logic, she didn’t need to be dealing with a dead boyfriend, either. But Kazuto’s thoughts were too far gone to consider that.

She came back into the room, handing him her phone, “Your aunt wants to talk to you,” then she left, disappearing into a different room in her seemingly never-ending house.

“Uh, hi?”

“Kazuto, are you okay?”

Midori’s voice was soft but laced with concern.  _ Was he? _

“Yeah, yeah of course I am,” Kazuto nodded as if to convince himself, “Asuna’s just bored in the house alone, I don’t think her and her brother get along that well so I think she’s just lonely,”

Midori made a hum of contemplation, then sighed. “Just don’t stay up all night playing that game, okay? And, Kazuto, if you and Asuna are thinking about having-”

“ _ NO _ .” Kazuto nearly choked on air, “No, it’s nothing like that at all, that’s not why I’m staying over. I should give Asuna her phone back. Love you, Mom.”

“I was going to say if you two were thinking of having each other over more often you should get a bag of clothes to take to her house,” Midori chuckled, “I love you too. Be safe, okay?”

“A-ah. Yeah, of course, that’s what you meant…” Kazuto blushed, “Of course I’ll be safe. Bye, Mom.”

“Oh, and make sure you eat something! And don’t you dare be letting her do all the dishes, mister, you need to help too!”

“I did, Mom, and we ate a while ago. Goodbye, Mom.”

“Don’t forget to thank Asuna for me.”

“I’ll thank her. Goodbye, Mom.”

“Okay, goodbye Kazuto. Sleep well. I love you.”

“Goodbye, Mom. I love you. Tell Suguha I said I love her too.”

Then he hung up, laying back on Asuna’s bed. “You can come back now,” he called.

Asuna stepped back into her room, laughing lightly, “Your mother really can keep talking forever, can’t she? It’s really sweet,”

Kazuto felt Asuna’s weight on the bed next to him, then felt her leg casually rest across his middle. He held her thigh gently, tapping his fingers across her skin. He was glad she was comfortable around him again. Her own recovery was difficult, and Kazuto had watched her fall apart many times. But she’d made progress, and he was finally able to touch her skin again without feeling guilty. They’d, at last, been able to spend their nights together comfortably again. Asuna didn’t feel foreign in her body anymore.

She’d been able to start recovering. Why couldn’t he?

They kept laying there like that, Asuna absentmindedly scrolling through her social media feeds on her phone, Kazuto staring up at the ceiling thinking thoughts he felt guilty for having. They had their whole lives ahead of them. He shouldn’t have been so fixated on ending his.

“Hey, do you ever think about Aincrad?”

The question hung in the air and Kazuto bit his tongue. Asuna’s finger stopped swiping against her screen and she looked at him, looking into his eyes like she might see his thoughts if she tried hard enough.

“Of course I do, why do you ask? Is that what’s bothering you?”’

She dropped her phone onto her bed, reaching a hand over to gently cup Kazuto’s face. He responded by gently taking her hand in his and kissing the back of her hand. He loved her, he truly did.

“I was just wondering, that’s all.” He lied, “It changed all of our lives, and in some ways, it was okay, like meeting you and adopting Yui, but it was also really terrible too. You know, the whole dying thing.”

“Mm,” Asuna held his hand to give him a kiss on his knuckles, “I’m actually kind of glad I got trapped in SAO. I wouldn’t have met you, otherwise. It was awful, but I found my soulmate because of it. It’s strange to think I almost never logged into that game.”

Kazuto brushed a strand of her from her face, “You’re so beautiful,” he mumbled.

Their conversation was simple, an exchanging of compliments and Asuna’s shy pick-up lines that they both laughed at until their sides were sore and tears formed in their eyes. Kazuto kept willing himself to laugh harder, to shut his eyes so forcefully a tear might come out, to keep kissing the girl in front of him like their lives depended on it.

In a way, he supposed they did. At least, his did.

Asuna was the first one to move, standing from her bed to find suitable clothes to sleep in. She looked back at Kazuto, who turned his head to stare at a wall while she changed. When she called his name to let him turn around, she was standing in her underwear, holding out her hand towards him.

“Please?”

Kazuto sighed, fumbling with the bottom of his shirt until he could pull it over his head, tossing it to his girlfriend, who pulled it on happily. She looked adorable. His shirt - an old band tee Suguha had bought him the birthday after he returned from SAO - was a little too big on her, and the skeleton on the front was out of place against her smiling, angelic face. But she looked perfect, climbing back to bed to sit next to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Are you sure that you’re okay?” She asked.

Kazuto smiled weakly at her, he’d lost most of his energy already. He just had to fake it until she fell asleep. He’d faked being okay since SAO, he could fake it for another few hours.

“I’m fine, just really exhausted.” He  _ was _ exhausted, just on a level more than purely physical. His body was tired, sure, but his mind was more exhausted than he thought possible. To fight your own thoughts was a battle even the hero of Aincrad struggled with.

“You should get some rest,” She told him, kissing his cheek.

“I don’t wanna fall asleep before you do. Once you’re asleep, I’ll sleep.” He told her. In part, it was the truth.

Kazuto sighed shakily, looking up at her and studying her face, trying to take in every minute detail - she had freckles hidden just beneath her foundation, he’d never noticed them before. He’d noticed her eyes before, he always noticed them when they were talking, getting lost in them when he was supposed to be focusing. But he’d never taken in the more subtle features of her face.

“Have you always had these?” He asked, moving his finger to gently touch the freckles that gently littered themselves across the bridge of her nose. 

Her nose scrunched up cutely under his touch. She shook her head.

“I think I got them when I was about ten,” she told him, adjusting herself to sit closer to him, “I hated them, I always thought they were annoying. When I started to wear makeup more often I started covering them, but I’m surprised you’ve never seen them before.”

“Have I really not paid attention to you?”

Kazuto bit his lip while he tried to remember the last time he’d seen his girlfriend bare-faced. Maybe during a late-night video chat? No, she always asked to leave her camera off once she was in her pyjamas. He figured it was just an odd little thing, but now he worried she was insecure.

His eyes flicked up to look at her face again. He’d really never noticed them? They looked like a perfect little constellation on her face, dotted around her nose, her cheeks, some on her chin, a few stray ones on her neck and chest, only exposed by the fallen shoulder of his t-shirt she wore.

When she finally moved her head and looked back up at him, he couldn’t find words. She looked beautiful, he couldn’t possibly begin to understand how he’d gotten so lucky. He leant forward to gently kiss her cheek, then he kissed her again, and again, and again until he felt Asuna’s hands come up to gently tap his chest. 

“What are you doing?” 

“I feel like an asshole for only just realising how cute your freckles are, so I’ve made it my new quest to kiss every single one of them while I’m still here.”

“You mean while you’re still at my house, right?” Asuna asked quietly.

“Yeah,” Kazuto lied again, looking down at his lap, desperately avoiding looking into her eyes in case he let everything slip past his mask.

“Look at me,”

Kazuto kept staring down and Asuna’s voice, though still soothing, took on a slightly firmer tone.

“Kirito, look at me.” 

_ How could he not? _

Asuna grabbed his face, pulling it closer to hers, “Kazuto Kirigaya, you are the greatest, strongest, bravest man I have ever known. I wouldn’t be here without you. You saved me. You saved me in so many fights with monsters I would have been slaughtered by. But…” she gulped, “It’s more than The Black Swordsman saving The Lightning Flash. It was Kazuto saving Asuna - in more ways than one.”

To hear her use his real name was odd, she’d used it a few times once or twice, correcting herself at school or around his family, but when they were alone it was always Kirito. He’d usually playfully tease her at her use of his avatar’s name, but now he missed it.

“Kazuto, do you know that after ALO all I wanted was to  _ die _ ?”

He hated how she said it. She was firm, but her voice almost broke on the word. He couldn’t blame her, it hadn’t been too long since the incident and he was certain it was still on her mind constantly. She’d been through something horrible, something he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy, he had no doubt that it still affected her.

“I… I guessed you felt like that a little,” He said softly.

“Well, I felt like that a lot.” She told him, “I felt like that every single day waking up in that hospital and every single time I logged into that game. I couldn’t even see my daughter without that feeling of dread sinking in again. But you know why I’m here? Because I had  _ you _ , who loved me and constantly assured me I’d get better and I’ll be damned if I let you feel like this without doing  _ something _ to help you.”

“I’m glad I could help a little,”

“Kirito, please,” Her voice softened and she looked on the verge of tears, “You don’t have to do this alone. I need you to be here with me. I need us to both beat this.”

“I’m fine, Asuna. It’s just one of those nights.”

He gently kissed her another time, taking in every single second they were together, then letting their lips barely touch as they caught their breaths. He’d give up oxygen altogether if it meant kissing her, he’d do anything to make sure she was happy.

Which is why he hated himself for having those thoughts. He hated that when he saw her, so patient with him and his struggles, he wanted to end everything. There was no longer a part of him telling him to stay, there was no part of him saying much at all, and that was his problem.

Maybe he’d been numb since  _ Sword Art Online _ . Maybe he’d never really woken up from that game, still trapped in the perpetual torment of staring down his own mortality each day. But why was everyone else okay?

Rika was one of the happiest people he’d ever met. Ayano, though shy, was bubbly and excitable to those she was close to. Ryoutarou got out of the game and immediately asked for his cute nurse’s number, which she hadn’t given him. Andrew was constantly smiling and arranging parties for the survivors to celebrate being together. As far as he knew, the other survivors had been shaken but had managed to return to their lives mostly unaffected. Hell, he’d heard rumours that even red players and members of dark guilds - who’d taken so many lives he lost count of the death toll - had been released from prison and resumed life as normal.

He got lost in his thoughts, most trailing to darker ideas and memories, flashbacks of the past that he was still trapped in. Voices that still echoed in the darkest parts of his subconscious, the lives he taken or couldn’t save screaming out in horror. Their faces were frozen in time in his mind. He hated it. At some point, Asuna fell asleep and Kazuto pulled her blanket over her shoulders. It wasn’t fair. He wanted to lay next to her, free of every memory stuck in the front of his brain, away from the endless screaming he heard from the ghosts of his past. But he  _ couldn’t _ .

He looked at Asuna, peacefully sleeping next to him. She looked like an angel, as if she’d never had nights of crying herself to sleep or waking in tears. There was nothing that hinted at the trauma she carried. Kazuto wondered if he was the only one still affected by it.

He gently kissed the top of her head-

“I’m sorry.”

-then climbed from her bed silently, making his way through her house. 

He found her bathroom easily, stepping inside and staring at himself in her mirror. There was nothing familiar in his reflection. He didn’t know the man he’d grown into, didn’t recognise himself past what everyone said he was, but even then he idea of who he was was vague at best. Was he Kazuto Kirigaya anymore? Could he really claim that when he had felt more real when he was nothing more than pixels and lines of code? Could he say he was even living when he’d felt more alive in a world that didn’t even truly exist?

So he did the only thing he felt like he could do, mumbling apologies under his breath as he did. Asuna had a brother and a father, of course they’d have shaving supplies somewhere in their house, and once he’d found them, his mind was made up.

His entire body ached, pleading with him to make everything stop. Everything in him told him he was broken, that he was numb to the thought of everything he used to feel so fondly for. Asuna crossed his mind more than a few times, but he disregarded it. She’d be better off if she wasn’t weighed down by his trauma. She’d find someone better. There was always someone better. There was so much he’d never managed to be enough for, and maybe Asuna was the one thing he’d never admit to feeling like he wasn’t enough for. He just begged that she would understand.

His wrists stung and screamed for attention, for any kind of medication to numb their pain. Kazuto kept staring at his reflection. Why couldn’t medication numb  _ all _ of his pain? Why had the doctors never been able to fix him? Why couldn’t Asuna kiss it all better?

Then, after several painful minutes of dark contemplation, everything stopped. Kazuto was vaguely aware of himself dropping to the floor, his head smashing uncomfortably against the stark white tiles of Asuna’s bathroom floor, and then there was nothing, and he could finally relax.

For the first time in years, he felt like he could breathe again.

What he wasn’t aware of was Asuna waking without the feeling of her beloved’s warmth next to her as she slept. He wasn’t aware of her quietly searching each room of her house, whispering his name into the darkness that greeted her past each door.

He wasn’t aware of the look of pure horror on Asuna’s face when she opened her bathroom door, only to find her boyfriend face down and bleeding out. He wasn’t aware of her bloodcurdling scream that surely woke her entire neighbourhood, or of her frantic attempts to wake him up while her brother stood in the hall yelling down the phone at paramedics to arrive as soon as they could.

He wasn’t aware of her running water in her bathroom sink, splashing his face and begging him to open his eyes. He wasn’t aware of how tightly she held him while she screamed at her brother to help in away way he could. He wasn’t aware of the razor blade catching Asuna’s eye, or how she stared at it with so much longing if it would bring her to wherever he was.

He wasn’t aware of Asuna desperately clinging to him as he was loaded into an ambulance, or how she begged paramedics through tears to revive him while they apologised and assured her they were doing the best they could. He wasn’t aware of the countless kisses she left on his hand while she prayed to every power she could think of for him to wake up again.

What he  _ was _ aware of, however, was emptiness. A black abyss that spilled out in front of him, nothing warm to greet him, just endless, bare plains of nothing. He didn’t know what he expected, maybe his parents or Sachi, or some apparition of Kayaba, some kind of light,  _ something _ . But nobody was there, and he was suddenly aware of how lonely he was.

Asuna wasn’t there. What had he done? What was he meant to do without her? Then he heard her voice calling out to him from  _ somewhere  _ and he grew more scared than he had been when he was alone. Had she joined him so soon? Was that what he'd selfishly pushed her to?

_ “Kirito! Kirito! Kirito!” _

And then he was aware of a hospital room, a beeping machine, and Asuna at his bedside, sobbing into his hospital gown. Her knuckles were as white as the sheets she gripped while she begged for him to come back to her.

“Please, wake up. I need you to wake up, I can’t do this without you, I can’t do any of this without you, I-“

“Asuna,”

She looked up at him and, for the first time in what felt like an eternity, Kazuto felt his heartbeat in his chest again, as if Asuna alone could control it. Her eyes were wet with tears and she blinked them away while she looked at him with so much love Kazuto thought his heart might explode.

“Kirito!”

Her arms were around him before he knew what was happening, smothering him with so many kisses he feared she might run out of air.

“I was so worried-“ she kissed him, “So, so worried-“ she kissed him again, “Please-“ another, “Never scare me like that again.”

“Sore.” He mumbled, and Asuna jumped back from him. 

He blinked, looking around the room. Asuna was, obviously, at his side, still crying. Beside her was her brother, a hand on her shoulder comfortingly. There was a nurse in the corner of the room watching as everything unfolded, seemingly as relieved as Asuna was that he’d woken up. Had he really been that close to being gone forever?

“That’s to be expected,” the nurse told him, walking over to his bedside, “We thought we lost you for a while there. You’re lucky your wife found you when she did, a few more minutes and we don’t think we’d have been able to save you,”

“Oh, she isn’t my…” Kazuto trailed off, looking up at Asuna. She somehow still looked as perfect to him as she always had, though he felt guilty for being the reason she was crying. Her eyes were red and she had dark circles demanding attention, her cheeks red from crying and her hair messy. But that was his home, his entire world, the woman he’d almost lost forever.  _ His wife. _

And truly, she was his wife. They’d been married, it was unnatural to refer to her as his girlfriend, like erasing their past.  _ Sword Art Online _ had happened, it was something they’d been through together, then they’d been together later in ALfheim. They’d gotten through everything together.

“Asuna, I’m so sorry,”

She stepped closer to him once more, dropping her head onto his shoulder, “Please, I’m the one who’s sorry. I should’ve noticed, I should’ve said something, I should’ve been more insistent.”

“Asuna, none of this is your fault at all.”

“But I should’ve-”

“Asuna,” Her brother’s voice was the most gentle Kazuto had ever heard one of her relatives speak, “Neither of you is to blame. You can’t blame yourself for everything, that’s not healthy for either of you.”

Kazuto gently squeezed her hand and Asuna gave a weak smile in return. Their fingers intertwined and for a moment they forget where they were. No beeping monitors, so bleak hospital rooms, nobody else in the world except the two of them. That was how Kazuto so desperately wanted it to be.

He’d build that world for them. It might have taken him years, but he’d do it for her in a heartbeat. Their own virtual world with no heartache, no trauma, no bad memories. Just them, their precious daughter and their little cabin where everything felt like a warm summer’s daydream. A world where only their love existed, no outside interference, so memories to keep them awake at night, nothing to stop them from being alive.

When Kazuto finally snapped himself out of his daydream, Asuna was swaying where she stood and her brother was gently shaking her awake. Kazuto frowned, he’d woken her up and now she was exhausted. She could rest now, he was safe.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed. We can come back tomorrow.”

“No, I need to stay here with Kirito,” Asuna shook her head, mumbling, “I need to protect him. I need to make sure he’s okay.”

Kazuto tried to lift her hand to his lips, but his wrists stung too much and were too weak for him to lift without being in pain. Hopefully, he could get some form of pain relief. But he lifted her hands as close as he could, then bent down to gently kiss her knuckles.

“Get some rest, Asuna. I’m safe, I’m here.”

She sat on the side of his hospital bed, squeezing herself between him and the guard rail. She cuddled into him as carefully as she could, resting her head on his shoulder and mumbling sleepy “I love you”s to him while she drifted off.

Her brother left to call their parents and update them on everything, asking Kazuto if he had to make any calls to his family as well. Kazuto asked if he’d be able to call his aunt, and he agreed, taking both their cell phones as he left the room.

The nurse assessed and provided as much care for Kazuto as she could, offering him pain medication and changing the bloodied dressings on his wrists. As she did, she mentioned that Asuna had stayed by his side the entire time. Kazuto looked at the girl sleeping by his side. She was the strongest woman he’d ever known. 

“I hope you understand that you’ll need extensive therapy after this,” the nurse said as she brought a second blanket to his bed. Kazuto pulled it over Asuna’s shoulders, asking the nurse to help once he couldn’t move his wrist any further.

Kazuto nodded sadly, “I figured. Has my aunt heard about this?”

“She was notified as soon as the paramedics arrived at the scene. She came as soon as you were admitted last night, but she went home to your family to comfort them once she saw that Asuna was staying here. She knows that you’re awake and I’m sure she’ll visit soon.”

“I’m sorry about all of this,” Kazuto mumbled.

The nurse gave him a small smile, “You have nothing to apologise for. I’ll be back to check in on you in an hour or so, you can press that button if you need anything.”

Kazuto nodded as she left the room, then turned his attention back to Asuna, who looked up at him with teary eyes. He gently blew her hair from her face, smiling as she scrunched her nose up at him. At least some things were familiar.

“Aren’t you meant to be asleep?”

Asuna sighed, “How am I meant to sleep after everything that happened? I nearly lost you, I can’t sleep now.”

The pair looked at each other like they were trying to work out what to say. Really, they didn’t know what to say. Kazuto wanted to apologise a thousand times more, but he didn’t want her to start apologising too. She’d done everything she could have. 

“Talk to me,” Asuna finally said. “I don’t mean a pretty conversation, I mean talk to me about everything. I want to know how you’re feeling even if you don’t know it yourself. We’re going to beat this together. We beat SAO. We beat ALO. We can beat this, but we need to work together, okay?”

Kazuto felt the weight of the world lift off his shoulder as he kissed her on top of the head. They could beat it together. Their bad days and their good days, they could be there through all of them, together. 

He took a deep breath. Then swallowed hard. Then finally spoke.

“So, you remember how I was in a guild back in SAO, right?”

And suddenly their demons didn’t seem quite so big anymore, and Kazuto felt like he could still make it a while longer. Besides, he had a woman he needed to marry. He couldn’t die on her before that. They had a daughter they were still yet to bring to the real world, he couldn’t die before they did that. He was going to work tirelessly so he could someday make them their own virtual world, just for them to escape to, so they could live in the feeling he had when he held her hand.

Or maybe they could work through that together, too.


End file.
